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• Brain and the Beast blurb

  "Ever wonder what would happen if the greatest thinkers of our time got together and discussed the most important issues of the day while snorting massive amounts of cocaine and drinking gallons and gallons of boot leg whiskey? It would be completely unintelligible. Thank god Ben Kissel (the Beast), Holden Mcneely (the Brain) and Seena Jon (the Seena Jon) have created this podcast, which can be described as the only thing close to completely unintelligible while maintaining a highly intelligent and absurd sense of humor." - Tim Dean, MURDERFIST--------- Find it on Itunes: http://tinyurl.com/d57wek

• Monlogue jokes… Some are amazing, some are good and some are shit.

  A recent report shows that teen pregnancy is up. This really is Sarah Palin's America. ______________________________ Mark McGuire admitted to using steroids. The statement, much like the incestuous claims by Mackenzie Philips, surprised no one. ______________________________ Sarah Palin is joining Fox News making a strong push to remove Greta Van Sustern as the Fox News anchor I would ass bone. ______________________________ Mark McGuire apologized after admitting he used steroids. The apology was half hearted however when he said I swear I thought the needles were contained heroin. ______________________________ Rush Limbaugh checked into the hospital today. Clearly someone's trying to stock up on pharmaceuticals for a holiday party. ______________________________ Louisiana was just named happiest State in the US... I guess ignorance IS bliss. ______________________________ David Beckham said singing in public is his worst nightmare which is funny because his wife singing in public is mine. ______________________________ Tiger Woods was voted top athlete of the decade although I heard he was a better bottom. ______________________________ Congress just passed a bill banning loud commercials! Finally the government has done something to silence that dude in the question mark suit! ______________________________ Fidelity Investment firm is firing employees for betting on fantasy football. Apparently they are only allowed to gamble with other people’s money. ______________________________ Johnnie Walker whiskey changed their slogan to “Keep Walking” which is more PC than the previous “Keep Driving into Trees”. ______________________________ Tiger Wood’s wife beat him with a golf club after finding out he cheated on her for three years. She beat him with the tool of his profession he should have gone into poetry it would have been a far softer verbal beating. ______________________________ 80 year old Jack Weinstock was crowned prom king after missing his high school prom more than 60 years ago. Unfortunately the night turned tragic when he threw his hip out making love in the backseat of a Seabreeze. _______________________________ Oprah intends to her cancel her long running talk show but don't worry she intends to mildly change the name and air it an hour earlier. _______________________________ After saving his wife and daughter from a burning building a Queens’s man died when he ran back into the home to retrieve his cellphone. Talk about roll over minutes. _______________________________ Johnny Depp was crowned the worlds sexiest man by People magazine meaning for the eleventh year in a row he beat out Lou Dobbs. _______________________________ Bruce Springsteen angered some when he yelled “Hello Ohio” while performing in Michigan. How did he ever confuse two Midwestern states filled with whites and truck tire lawn ornaments? _______________________________ Nicholas Cage reportedly spends $30 million a year putting his financial future in jeopardy. Hey, those hair pieces don't buy themselves. _______________________________ “Going Rogue” intends to profile Sarah Palin leadership qualities but her public relations hit a roadblock when a book by the same name was written by Maj. Nidal Hasan. _______________________________ Conservative critics are angry because President Obama bowed to Japans emperor breaking George W. Bush’s tradition of giving him the stink palm. _______________________________ Dick Cheney "could not recall" 72 times while the FBI interviewed him over the outing of Valerie Plame investigation. This dude really was a Reagan Republican. _________________________________ The Mormon church supports gay rights legislation in Salt Lake City which bans housing and employment discrimination because the law is "fair and doesn't do violence to the institution of marriage" you know the way poligamy does. __________________________________ The Yankees have won the World Series of baseball. As we speak planes are on their way to Cuba carrying Philadelphia Phillies World Champion shirts. __________________________________ Sarah Palin is speaking at the Milwaukee Audotorium but will not allow the press, cellphones, laptops, or any other recording device on the premises. Evidently she is worried about have a Michael Richards moment. __________________________________ Collegiate soccer player Elizabeth Lambert has been suspended by New Mexico University for her aggressive play last Thursday. I saw this game, it was wild. It looked like she was playing football. __________________________________ The iphone has a new app that allows parents to understand what their baby needs based upon cry patterns. The app has discovered that most babies need a new Iphone. __________________________________ KC Chiefs running back Larry Johnson was suspended for using two gay slurs in a 24 hour period. What an idiot! Everyone knows you can only be homophobic once a day. Johnson plans to spend his suspension in Maine. _________________________________ Rock Band: Beatles Edition is being sold in stores nationwide, weed not included. _________________________________ Disney recalled their “Baby Einstein” video series after parents complained that their children were trying to enrich uranium. _________________________________ Dick Cheney accused Barack Obama of dithering with the Afghan war. What? He is fondling the pussy of the Afghan war? _________________________________ George H.W. Bush called Rachel Maddow a “sick puppy” for the way she his son but Maddow assured him she loves bush. ________________________________ 3 people died after attending a sweat lodge retreat led by James Arthur Ray which makes sense Native Americans used sweat lodges and I haven't seen one of them around in years. ________________________________ Street legal golf carts sales are up all over country because they are cheaper than cars but experts warn just because it’s a golf cart you still can’t drive it drunk, Bill Murray. ________________________________ Bronson Pinchot (Perfect Strangers; Belky) called Denzel Washington abusive while working on a film together. Washington responded “who?” ________________________________ Glenn Beck once again accused Barack Obama of being racist. Isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black/ 1/2 white. ________________________________ Justice of the peace Keith Bardwell refused to marry an interracial couple because he is concerned for the children going into public office and one day becoming President. _________________________________ The White House called Fox News an arm of the republican party and most likely the right one given how much the channel strokes them. __________________________________ If Jon and Kate Gosseling have taught us anything about marriage its that gays aren't ruining the institution reality television is. __________________________________ TLC is suing Jon Gosseling for breach of contract because the father ended the reality show before completely ruining his children’s lives. __________________________________ “Balloon boy” Falcon Heene said that he did not come when his parents called him because he was doing it for the show. Wolf Blitzer thanked him for the free 8 hours of television. __________________________________ French shoe designer Christian Louboutin said Barbie’s ankles are too fat to wear his shoes, I assume he’s not selling well in Minnesota. __________________________________ I learned from watching Top Chef it's good for a chef to taste his food before serving it unless that chef works at Taco Bell. __________________________________ The film Where the Wild Things Are is soon to be released in theaters pleasing former President Bush who was never able to finish the book. __________________________________ Levi Johnston is preparing to pose nude for Playgirl. Sarah Palin's so angry she cancelled her subscription. __________________________________ Kate Gosselin said to support her kids she would work at McDonalds. Unfortunately, McDonalds already has a pale clown with a bad haircut. __________________________________ Lindsey Lohan’s new fashion line sucked which shouldn’t come as a surprise, she can’t put on underwear let alone dress models. Taking fashion advice from Lohan is like receiving counseling from Courtney Love… You’re going to leave in tatters. __________________________________ Michael Moore’s new movie bitching about capitalism made 5 million dollars in its opening weekend proving itself wrong. __________________________________ Sully Sullengberg’s recent return to the cockpit was not his first time flying since landing in the Hudson. This is true, US Airways didn’t want to “put to much pressure” on Sully so they had him fly a test run on Sept. 11th because what could be less stressful for a pilot than flying on Sept. 11th. __________________________________ Sarah Palin’s new autobiography is entitled “Going Rogue: An American Life and her supporters are sure to enjoy, it’s a pop up. __________________________________ Activists gathered at a Richmond VA. strip club Monday to denounce a “racist” banner depicting President Obama as the Joker but it’s not so bad, he wasn’t making it rain. __________________________________ Sarah Palin has written her memoir which is a real surprise. Usually politicians wait until later in life to write a memoir but I guess in Sarah Palin’s case her career is already over. __________________________________ Nick and Joe Jonas said their brother Kevin will not be going to a strip club for his Bachelor Party because he’ll be working at one in five years. __________________________________ You know why they call em the Pittsburgh Steelers? Cause if you have an obese daughter they steal-her. Nice! __________________________________ Najibullah Zazi has been charged with possessing weapons of mass destruction, who knew This whole time WMD’s were in Aurora Colorado. __________________________________ ACORN is under investigation for telling a pimp how to hide money from the government. What are they... nuts!?! Your Welcome. __________________________________ Jimmy Carter called Joe Wilson's outburst racist but who cares what an 80 year white male says about race relations? It's like taking tax advice from Wesley Snipes. __________________________________ Some people are comparing Barack Obama to Hitler but I don’t think Hitler would agree. __________________________________ House Speaker Nancy Pelosi said that the protests over President Obama’s health care reform remind her of the debate over gay rights in San Francisco except the chants aren't as catchy. __________________________________ George Lucas wants to make Indiana Jones 5 called Indian Jones and the Hospital of Nurses. __________________________________ A new study shows that allergies can harm a couple’s sex life or keep things nice and lubed. __________________________________ The House Democratics created a special resolution to formally rebuke Republican Rep. Joe Wilson for shouting "You lie” during President Obama’s speech. They also grounded him for two weeks and plan to limit his play of XBOX 360. __________________________________ Brett Favre debuted as a Minnesota Viking last Sunday saying he felt good wearing purple because it reminded him to take his Nexium. ___________________________________ Barack Obama warned Wall Street against “reckless and unchecked behavior”. Who do they think they are... President? ___________________________________ South African sprinter Caster Semenya has been confirmed as a hermaphrodite meaning she has no womb or ovaries but she does have internal testes, 3x more testerone and exactly what it takes to be my wife. ___________________________________ Republican House member Joe Wilson shouted "You lie" during President Obama’s congressional health care speech to which the President responded “That’s not true” completely clarifying the issue. ___________________________________ Playboy reportedly offered Kate Gosselin $400K to pose nude in an upcoming issue playing on every man’s fantasy of scoring with a married mother of eight. ___________________________________ President Barack Obama summoned Congress to join in a "season for action" on health care but some Republicans misunderstood and began shooting Congressional Democrats. ___________________________________ The Beatles: Rock Band is selling out of stores nationwide for $250 but if that’s too expensive wait till next year when they release a cheaper The Monkee’s: Rock Band. ___________________________________ India is marketing skin whitening products to men so they can be more attractive to women. I guess they've never seen people in the Idaho. ____________________________________ Boxer Juan Manuel Marquez drinks his own urine to gain vitamins and if you think that’s gross you should see what he does for protein. ____________________________________ Mortuary Sciences saw a 20% increase in employment this past year as unemployment hit 9 %. I’m not sure if this is what Obama meant by creating more “green jobs”. ____________________________________ In an inspiring speech President Obama encouraged kids to discover what they’re good at and do it. Unfortunately the class bully discovered he was good at wedgies. ____________________________________ During Barack Obama’s address to the nation’s children he said when he was their age he was a little bit of a goof-off and his main goal was to have fun. George W. Bush said the same thing during a speech to America’s senior citizens. ____________________________________ President Obama gave out full transcripts of the speech which he intends to deliver to America’s children in order to dispel parent concerns that he is trying to indoctrinate our youth… What does it matter, the parents who oppose of the speech can’t read. ____________________________________ The top three most common cars stolen in the U.S. are the Honda Accord, Honda Civic and the Toyota Camry. This is pathetic people won’t even steal American. ____________________________________ DJ AM killed himself a year after surviving a plane crash, this is clearly someone who loved the movie franchise Final Destination. ____________________________________ South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford said he “knows how Sarah Palin feels”, Jesus how many women has this man touched. _____________________________________ President Obama appointed Van Jones as the countries Green Czar making him the first Van to reduce emissions. _____________________________________ Pfizer was hit with a $2.3 billion fine, they will pay it off by selling high school kids Oxy Contin. _____________________________________ A recent study discovered mosquitoes prefer to suck the blood of people who are not stressed out which may finally explain the odd itching activities of potheads. _____________________________________ The top selling Bible in North America is undergoing a revision and will be ready for distribution in 2011. I don’t know if I can worship a god who needs an editor. ____________________________________ Callie Rogers won $3 million in the lottery and six years later, she reports that she blew untold sums on drugs, partying, exotic cars, and breast implants. It's a real rags to bitches story. ____________________________________ Chanel the worlds oldest dog died today at age 21 making the oldest dog in the world Ryan O'neil. _____________________________________ Chicago Uno’s personal pan pizza has been named worst pizza in America for the third row in a year. Once again beating out out the homeless guy on 10th Ave and his famous Toe and Needle Pizza. ____________________________________ Sarah Palin has been reguested to give 950 speeches since she resigned as Governor, most requests have been hand written and sent from male prisoners. ___________________________________ A Washington man stood on a busy highway wearing a sign saying “I cheated”. Well at least the good people of South Carolina finally know where there Governor is. ___________________________________ “Million Dollar Bill” is a song on Whitney Houston’s latest album. Inspiration for the song came as she looked at a hundred dollar bill but wished it were a million dollar bill. ____________________________________ Michael Jackson’s death has been ruled a homicide and now police are searching for a smooth criminal. ___________________________________ The Government is banning prerecorded telemarketing solicitations called “Robocalls” making outgoing calls very difficult for Stephen Hawking. ___________________________________ Jaycee Duggard has returned home after being kidnapped in 1991. She is in good condition but is saddened over the cancellation of "America’s Funniest People". ___________________________________ Sanford college football coach Jim harbaugh just got a $60,000 bathroom in his office. The coach said the bathroom will help him better study the runs. ___________________________________ Madonna was booed by 60,000 people in Bucharest when she verbally defended homosexuality. You can’t hate homosexuality but love its icon. It’s like hating McDonalds but loving Ronald. __________________________________ Heineken has reported a boost in their first-half profit but they are expecting to take a financial hit with recent death of Ted Kennedy. _________________________________ 4000 prison inmates received stimulus checks but most lost the money when they invested with Bernie Madoff. _________________________________ Peta has a new billboard which shows an obese woman in a bikini and reads “Save the whales. Lose the blubber. Go vegetarian.” Overweight Americans complain the ad makes them hungry for sea food. _________________________________ While vacationing President Obama read Tom Friedmans Hot, Flat, Crowded. Ex-President Bush vacationed with the same book but stopped reading it once he realized it wasn't about Jessica Alba. _________________________________ A new study finds obese people have 8 percent less brain tissue than normal-weight individuals... so who's fat now! _________________________________ Strippers are pole dancing in NYC subways, they're working for dollars or whatever you can spare. _________________________________ A South African track star will undergo a gender test after breaking a world track and field record, this just another set back for Star Jones. _________________________________ Many Wisconsonites are angered over Brett Favre's decision to play for the Vikings. They equate the feeling to eating the last cheese curd but still wanting to eat more cheese curds. _________________________________ Michael J. Fox shakes more than Lisa Lampanelli taking an AIDS test after screwing Magic Johnson. __________________________________ “Survivor” winner Richard Hatch believes he was imprisoned because he was gay not tax evasion, either way it was the best three years of his life. _________________________________ Kate Gosselin said she cries all the time but mostly when the camera’s are on, this chick needs to be watched more than an autistic kid with finger paints. _________________________________ Tourists using their camcorders in New York are just planting the seed for someones future boredom. _________________________________ Kim Jong-il said the door is open to nuclear negotiations but then again the door is also open when he poops. _________________________________ Pitchman Billy Mays died from a heart attack caused by blow. I feel the same way I did when I heard A-Rod used steroids because for a pitchman a performance enhancing drug is cocaine. _________________________________ Kate Gosselin slept away from home while John spent the night with the babysitter, she reportedly stayed in a Motel 8. _________________________________ Coach Rick Pitino had an affair with a woman and later paid for her abortion. See, the world still has gentleman. _________________________________ A recent article said security camera’s help deter crime so why is it every time I see security camera footage there’s a crime happening. _________________________________ Some pro-life evangelical groups were protesting against homosexuality recently which is weird because gays are the only people who can never have an abortion. _________________________________ Eminem is in a beef with his mother and Glitter star Mariah Carey whose next, Susan Boyle? _________________________________ Captured American journalists Euna Lee and Laura Ling returned home from North Korea after being sentenced to 12 years hard labor. They said the experience was degrading and humiliating and that was just the plane ride back with Bill Clinton. _______________________________ Black men were very angry with Bill Clinton during the 2008 Presidential Campaign because they felt he was race bating. But Clinton is back in their good graces after returning two beautiful Asian women. _______________________________ President Obama has held 8 prime time news conferences in his first 200 days in office, already doubling the number George W. Bush gave in his eight years in office. In Bush's defense he had a hard time following "Are You Smarter Than A Fifth Grader". _____________________________ Ryan O’neil might be the worst father in history. He hit on his own daughter, Tatum, at Farrah Fawcetts funeral and gave his son cocaine at the age of 11. This guy makes Woody Allen look like Charles Ingalls. ____________________________ Studies have indicated that redheads are more sensitive to pain than non-redheads. Explaining the always fragile Molly Ringwald. ____________________________ Michelle Obama's "organic" garden has been besieged by icky goo in the ground… After over a decade we have finally found the hidden evidence against Bill Clinton. ____________________________ Mahmoud Ahmadinejad said Iran's supreme leader Ayatollah Ali Khamenei is like a father to him… Did George Lucas write his latest speech? I see a similar Darthy storyline. Mahmoud I am your Ayatollah. ____________________________ 58% of Republicans do not believe that President Obama is a US citizen because he was born in Hawaii. I guess WW2 was a war fought without provocation. ____________________________ Kevin Federline is so fat his new nickname is K-Well-Fed _____________________________ Judge Sotomayer officially became the first Hispanic to make the Supreme Court when she bedazzled her robe with the word "Juicy". _____________________________ President Obama invited Harvard Professor Henry Gates and his arresting officer, Sgt. James Crowley, to the White House so they could reconcile the situation over a beer. The reconciliation turned awkward however, when Sgt. Crowley ordered a Negra Modelo. _____________________________ A recent report discovered texting while driving increases the likelihood of an accident. The study was done by researcher Captain Obvious and his team Waste of Money. ______________________________ Sarah Palin, in her "Farewell Cruel Governership" speech, reffered to the people of Fairbanks Alaska as rugged and hearty. Basically, her constiuency is James Gandolfini _____________________________ Sarah Palin took jabs at the media during her final speech as Alaska’s Governor at a press conference arranged by HER. It’s like getting a boob job and complaining to your doctor about recieving too much male attention. _____________________________ North Korea said its open to new DIALOGUE over its nuclear weapons program. Unfortunately, the dialogue was written by the same dude who wrote "Red Dawn". ______________________________ Bennigan’s has served its last burger as it's officially out of business because the patrons became to obese to fit through the restaurant's double doors. ______________________________ Pastor Tony Alamo has been sent to jail for touching small children but he claims it's because he's a prophet of god. You have to be kidding, this guy has more blood on his hands than Marsha Brady after getting hit with a football. _______________________________ San Diego will welcome 125 thousand people for this year’s comic-con… Residents are being advised to stay away from the beaches. _______________________________ Gidget, the Chihuahua who starred in Taco Bell ads and Legally Blonde 2, died Tuesday at the age of 15... Confirming what many thought for years to be an unhealthy relationship with Beggin’ Strips. _______________________________ In West Bend Wisconsin people are demanding the public library burn all books depicting sex and homosexuality starting with the bible. _______________________________ The Oscar Mayer Wienermobile crashed through a house in Mount Pleasant Wisconsin today. The family was devastated as they just finished remodeling the home after the 2005 Kool-Aid Man incident. ____________________________ President Obama demanded Congress to pass his healthcare legislation by August. Bill Maher has a better chance of becoming Born-Again. ____________________________ The car dealer in Missouri who gives away AK 47’s with every purchase uses the motto God, Guns, Guts and American Pick Up Trucks. That’s an accurate rhyme, first buy a Pick Up Truck, then get a Gun, then accidentally shoot yourself exposing your Guts in order to meet God. ____________________________ According to a Gallup poll Six-percent of Americans still believe the United States never landed on the moon, yeah, they believe the astronauts actually landed on a hair-piece free Robert Goulet. _____________________________ The Homeland Security Department will replace the multicolored terror alert system created after the September 11, 2001 attacks with a new updated alert.... Code: Poop Your Pants. ______________________________ President Obama is throwing out the first pitch at this years MLB All-Star Game. He's taking this very seriously, as a matter of fact, a day before the game he was seen doing steroids with Manny Ramirez. ______________________________ Lorenzo Lamas’s ex-wife cheated on him with HIS son during their marriage. Talk about a family affair… Am I right people. _____________________________ The video of Neda, the girl killed in Iran, recieved 5 stars on youtube. The grading scale from 1-5 is; Poor, Nothing Special, Worth Watching, Pretty Cool, and AWESOME! They need to clarify Awesome: In a Revolutionary Sense. _____________________________ Watching the press cover the Michael Jackson Memorial was odd because anchors were trying to be sad while still looking amazing, it was like watching Madonna tour Malawi. _______________________________ J.J. Hendricks paid 17,500 for a rare, gold-colored Nintendo game. He saved up for the game by… never going on a date. _____________________________ Rush Limbaugh said he doesn’t know what to think about the resignation of Sarah Palin. He hasn’t been this stumped since when asked who he hates more, Mexicans or blacks. _____________________________ Dane Cook’s half brother has been charged with stealing $11 million from the comedian, as punishment he will recieve the Super Finger. _____________________________ S.C. Governor Mark Sanford was back at work today meeting with Sen. Lindsay Graham and Security Secretary Janet Napolitano. Half way through the meeting Sanford left for the bathroom… He’s expected to return in about a week. _____________________________ Long Island Republican Congressman Peter King called Michael Jackson a pervert and a low-life in a youtube video, wow, Michael would have made for a great Senator. ______________________________ Sarah Palin resigned as Governor of Alaska so she can 'better help the Country'. I agree, by no longer being in office she certainly helped the Country. _______________________________ The actor who plays Harry Potter’s sidekick, Ron Weasley, just recently recovered from swine flu. He said it was the most difficult thing he has ever been through, even more difficult than Hogwarts. _____________________________ Al Franken is the new Senator from Minnesota. Proving once and for all, he’s good, he’s smart, and gosh-darnit people like him. _____________________________ Joey Chestnut retained the Mustard Belt and set a world record after eating 68 hot dogs in ten minutes at this years Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Competition. In second place was David Hasselhoff with one hamburger. _____________________________ Barack Obama stirred up controversy with some in the black community for not issuing a formal public statement upon Michael Jackson's death. In President Obama’s defense four days after his death he flew over the Apollo. _____________________________ In a recent press conference President Obama admitted he’s still smoking cigarettes. Finally, a Democrat in office who uses tobacco products for there intended purpose. _____________________________ Apple is allowing pornography into the iTunes App Store giving a whole new meaning to the term phone sex. ______________________________ President Ahmadinjejad has called President Obama inexperienced and accused him of thinking like President Bush. Which is impossible, how can he lack experience and think like someone who served two terms as President. It's like being called a Progressive Republican. _______________________________ The new Transformers film is being called racist because of twin hatchbacks named Skids and Mudflap who speak in stereotypical Ebonics and their car exhaust is mentholated. _______________________________ Governor Mark Sanford will probably have to step down from his position after emails were leaked between him and his Latin lover. On the bright side though, the emails he wrote make a Jackie Collins book seem like a Stephen King novel. I haven’t seen anything so romantic since the film Titanic. ______________________________ South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford gave a press a conference today admitting to an affair. He was so nervous it made Nancy Pelosi look stable. ______________________________ Kate Gosselin says that she and her husband Jon have been "separated and apart" for two years and are divorcing. That's to bad, you would think they could stick it out, look at the Clintons. ______________________________ Barack Obama signed a new law which bans fruit flavors in tobacco products. President Obama saving boys the embarrassment of smoking banana flavored cigarettes since 2009. _______________________________ Farrah Fawcett is marrying her long time beau Ryan O’Neil. That’s interesting, usually when a Pastor utters the words ‘til death do you part’ he’s doesn’t mean, tomorrow. _________________________________ Paris Hilton has promised to steer clear of drinking and swearing when she launches a Mideast version of her reality show My New BFF. Well, One thing is for sure her new bff will not be Mel Gibson. __________________________________ Hilary Clinton fractured her right elbow after she fell in the State Department basement. State Department officials aren't exactly sure what caused the accident but they did see a Descending Tony Awards Prop leave the area. __________________________________ Good news for the pilot of a small plane as he landed safely on the fairway of a Michigan golf course. The bad news is, the hole was a par three and he didn’t even hit the green. __________________________________ Six Flags has filed for bankruptcy because now when people want the thrill of near death they just fly US Airways. __________________________________ Rob Blagojevich performed improv with Second City over the weekend. The comedy troupe said he was a great actor, although, it was fairly easy given the audience suggestion “lying former Governor”. __________________________________ Good news for Republicans as they managed to raise $15 million at a congressional fundraiser last night. The bad news is that'll only pay for three of Sarah Palin’s dresses. __________________________________ Bret Michaels suffered a nose fracture and a busted lip at the Tony’s when a set piece hit him in the face. His lips swelled so much he confused himself for a contestant on Rock of Love. __________________________________ Britney Spears is back in the tabloids after nude photos of her dancing on a stripper pole surfaced. The photos are so graphic Miss California Carrie Prejean called her a tramp. But its not all bad news for Britney, Donald Trump said she could win next years Miss America pageant. __________________________________ Supreme Court nominee Sonia Sotomayor tripped and broke her ankle Monday. I feel bad for Republicans, it was hard enough attempting to block the first Latino Justice and now she has crutches. During the Senate hearing they might as well burn a cross and play fiddle music. ____________________________________ Susan Boyle exited a London clinic where she was being treated for exhaustion today. She decided to leave when she was thrown out the window by Amy Winehouse. __________________________________ Sarah Palin critized the Obama administration for controlling people. In Palin’s America people can be a little wilder, until they get pregnant. ___________________________________ The unemployment rate has jumped to 9.4 percent. That’s not very good, but on the bright side the rude waiter you hate no longer works at Ruby Tuesdays. ___________________________________ Octomom Nadya Suleman said she really screwed up her life. Sunday she’ll be given an award for making the Understatement of the Decade. Evidently, she narrowly beat out George W. Bush for the Saddam, WMD blooper. ___________________________________ A topless coffee shop in Maine burnt to the ground earlier today. The owner has promised to reconstruct the topless establishment giving new meaning to the adage, if you build it they will come. ___________________________________ Oprah lost the top spot on the Forbes celebrity 100 list to Angelina Jolie marking the first time Oprah has lost anything except weight, she plans to gain the top spot back next year. _____________________________________ Gallons of alcohol, moonshine and firearms were found at a North Carolina daycare. Yeah that’s no good. The children loved it however, because it smelt like daddy. So they were cozy. ___________________________________ A Kentucky Pastor wants his congregation to bring their firearms to the July 4th church service. I guess he wants to provide real blood for Communion. ___________________________________ A statue of Ronald Reagan was unveiled today in the Capitol Rotunda in Washington. They really took time to capture the essence of Reagan, they even placed a little read button underneath his thumb. ___________________________________ A statue of Ronald Reagan was unveiled today in the Capitol Rotunda in Washington. The statue depicts an older Reagan when he would laboriously stand in the middle of a room with a blank expression trying to find the bathroom. ___________________________________ A Florida man is suing the exotic Cheetah Club after a stripper kicked him in the head. Well that’s the last time he will request the kapawara lap dance. __________________________________ Republicans have called Sonia Sotomayer a racist to block her nomination. The plan backfired however, as many conservatives now support her. __________________________________ If Supreme Court nominee Sonia Sotomayer becomes a Justice she will be the sixth Roman Catholic serving on the bench. This, just another example of how the Jews run the judiciary! ____________________________ Octomom Nadya Suleman is writing a tell-all book which will contain pictures, stories, and the first 14 sold will come with a baby. ____________________________ The Obama’s visited New York yesterday and went to see Joe Turner's ‘Come and Gone’ on Broadway. They were going to see Le Miserable but instead they just drove through Harlem. ____________________________ Former President Bush said having Dick Cheney as VP was a great relief because the CEO had no plans to run for the top spot. Of course, there would have been no reason for Cheney to run for the top spot because he already had it. _______________________________ The Scripps National Spelling Bee champion Kavya Shivashankar correctly spelled the word, Laodicean which means lukewarm or indifferent. Sadly, that’s exactly how kids are going to feel about her in High School. ___________________________ Prince Harry is visiting New York today and some women are going wild. Unfortunately for them the Prince is not looking to marry an Irish-American nurse. __________________________ Father Alberto Cutie, is joining the Episcopal Church after admitting to an affair with a woman. Priests are like professional athletes now, after a sex scandal they just change teams. ___________________________ Susan Boyle is cracking under the pressure and losing her temper with reporters. To her credit the only pressure she’d previously endured was from allergies. ___________________________ Conservatives believe Obama’s appointment of Sonia Sotomayer is a declaration of war against American gun owners. If its 'war' conservatives shouldn't worry, they don't even believe Obama funds those. ___________________________ Erich "Mancow" Muller, was waterboarded for six seconds on his Chicago morning show and now believes the interrogation technique is torture. The technique worked though as he admitted Sean Hannity caused 9/11. ____________________________ Ashton Kutcher may stop Twittering if the company creates a television show. The star told his two million tweet followers he was afraid of getting stalked. He followed that by saying he doesn’t like being sold out which explains why audience attendance is so low for his movies. _____________________________ Researchers have found that the sleeping pill Ambien makes people aggressively social. The pharmaceutical company discovered this when they tested it on Kiefer Sutherland. _____________________________ Neutral facial expressions are required at DMVs across the country, meaning people are not allowed to smile for their I.D. They even made Dick Cheney remove his scowl. _____________________________ President Obama avoided racial controversy Memorial Day by sending separate wreaths to confederate soldiers and the African Americans who fought against them in the Civil War. Wow, the celebration in which we remember those who fought for freedom is segregated. _____________________________ Former Vice President Dick Cheney said the Bush administration's enhanced interrogation tactics saved thousands, perhaps hundreds of thousands of lives. Unfortunately, his was one of them. ______________________________ Rep. Paul Broun (R-Ga.) has proposed a bill officially making 2010 the Year of the Bible. The bill is being pushed by the special interest group, Birkenstock. ______________________________ Clay Aiken called American Idol runner-up Adam Lambert’s rendition of “Ring of Fire”, slightly frightening. Apparently, the red haired American Idol felt the song was a reference to his mangina. ______________________________ Michael Phelps admitted to urinating in the pool while swimming. An embarrassing moment occurred while he was doing the backstroke. ______________________________ According to the CDC 17% of Americans admit to urinating in public pools. Thus, explaining the mystery over the Arkansas Hot Springs. ______________________________ In order to avoid age discrimination lawsuits because of layoffs many companies have adopted the policy "last one in, first one out". The same policy is shared by Paris Hilton. ______________________________ Former Defense Secretary, Donald Rumsfeld, interspersed biblical messages inside of intelligence briefs. Apparently, the Bush Administration’s exit policy for Iraq WAS Armageddon. _______________________________ Seven alleged members of a Craigslist prostitution scheme were arrested in New York on charges of enterprise corruption, conspiracy and money laundering. Or as Former Governor Eliot Spitzer calls it, “dinner”. _______________________________ Former Presidential Candidate Fred Thompson attended an anti-tax demonstration in California today. He left the rally once he realized they were out of Sleepy Time Tea. ______________________________ Joe the Plumber has left the GOP because the Party broke from its fiscally conservative roots and is ‘spending frivolously’. He realized this when he looked at the paycheck they gave him. _______________________________ Kanye West is in a Los Angeles court today entering a plea on misdemeanor vandalism, battery and grand theft charges. Surprisingly this marks the first time he admits to NOT doing something. _______________________________ Jessica Biel complained Hollywood executives find her features “too modern”. She recently lost a role to the more “medieval” Susan Boyle. ________________________________ China destroyed a controversial sex theme park before ever opening it to the public. The Chinese Government worried the park would promote reproduction. _______________________________ President Obama unveiled a new energy policy which forces car makers to lower auto emissions by 2016. GM’s Chairman assured his company will produce dramatically less emissions by then because no GM cars will be on the road. _______________________________ Alec Baldwin's joke about getting a Filipino mail-order bride provoked a sharp response in the Philippines, one senator said the “30 Rock” star faces violence if he ever visits. Upon hearing this, Baldwin cancelled the ZERO flights he had scheduled to the Philippines. ________________________________ While delivering a commencement address at Notre Dame President Obama was interrupted by a pro-life advocate who said he has “blood on his hands”. Unfazed, Obama took the opportunity to remind folks to wash their hands and limit the spread of swine flu. ________________________________ A 66 year old woman who is giving birth to twins is being demonized by some for her “selfish” decision. In reality though, as with all parents, she just wants to live long enough to see her child graduate Kindergarten. _________________________________ Singer Amy Winehouse was booed off stage during a performance at the St. Lucia Jazz Festival. She was so intoxicated fans in the front row were treated for alcohol poisoning. _________________________________ Throughout America bedbugs are on the rise. Or as Bristol Palin calls them, 'witnesses'. _________________________________ President Barack Obama saved taxpayers millions of dollars by stripping funds for abstinence-only sex education. Proving, he can multitask by stimulating both the economy and teenagers. __________________________________ Conservatives are upset with university leaders because Rush Limbaugh was not asked to be a keynote speaker during any graduation ceremonies. Many universities responded to the claim by saying they like to maintain a “drug free campus”. __________________________________ Madonna, 52, is planning to marry Brazilian model Jesus Luz, 22, in a Kabbalah ceremony in the near future. So, if she can't adopt a baby, she will marry one. __________________________________ In a recent study researchers found sleep deprivation is similar to “having too much to drink”. One major difference, however, sleep deprivation does not increase your chances of urinating a police car. _________________________________ Comedian Aziz Ansari believes AMC "lied" when he went to see the film “Star Trek” in IMAX and the screen was no larger than a normal theater. Speaking of liars, his next film is entitled “Funny People". __________________________________ Kanye West is not a fan of Twitter. The rapper said that everything Twitter offers, he needs less of. People agree because Twitter offers exposure. _________________________________ Oprah apologized to author James Frey for lashing out at him after learning his memoir was greatly exaggerated. Frey called his time on the one hour program the worst two weeks of his life. _________________________________ During a graduation speech at Duke University Oprah said “It’s great to have a private jet”. She followed that by saying, “And today, none of you are getting one!” __________________________________ Pope Benedict gave a speech in Jerusalem Monday that many are calling ‘restrained and almost cold’. Making him the most sensitive German in the world! __________________________________ Joan Rivers is Donald Trumps newest apprentice. Thus, making her the second most newsworthy woman with a face transplant this week. __________________________________ Former VP Dick Cheney thinks Rush Limbaugh defines the Republican Party better than Gen. Colin Powell. Evidently, Republicans no longer want a ‘Big Tent’ Party but rather a ‘Big Pants’ Party. ___________________________________ Dodger’s slugger Manny Ramirez tested positive for the female fertility drug HCG. Thus, answering the question ‘how does one get that beautiful hair’. ___________________________________ Intoxicated "24" star, Kiefer Sutherland, head-butted designer Jack McCollough at a bar early Tuesday morning. Fortunately for McCollough, ‘Jack Bauer’, is polite when drunk. ____________________________________ A father has been accused of using a shock dog collar on his four children. In his defense, the kids were pooping on the front lawn. ____________________________________ A British man beat 34,000 other applicants Wednesday to win "the best job in the world". So congratulations Ben Southall, Paula Abdul’s new pharmacist. ____________________________________ Scientists have discovered a giant space blob millions of light years away. The 'blob' has been identified as Anna Nicole Smith. ____________________________________ Governor Schwarzenegger may legalize marijuana in California. In response, weed harvesters everywhere have expanded operations from their parent’s basement to their parent's living room. ____________________________________ A White House official proclaimed they “love MSNBC”. Shockingly, their favorite news anchor is “that dude Rachel Maddow”. ____________________________________ Comedian Dom Deluise has died at age 75. The world will miss his sense of humor and the Cheesecake Factory will miss his patronage. ____________________________________ Brett Favre may sign with the Minnesota Vikings to gain revenge against the Green Bay Packers. Evidently, his 2007 NFC Championship performance was not revenge enough. ____________________________________ Night Rider actor David Hasselhoff checked into a hospital for alcohol poisoning over the weekend. His car, Kitt, will now be equipped with an Ignition Interlock Device. ____________________________________ Sarah Palin is now on Twitter, the 140 character mini blog site. Apparently, she “loves writing”. ____________________________________ A few ducks visited the White House lawn today. They were glad to be back after eight years of the... Cheney War. ____________________________________ President Bush allowed a terror suspect to be placed inside a closed 'boo' box in which a bug was dropped. We knew Bush's foreign policy was terrible but no one knew he modeled it after Captain Hook. ____________________________________ The Craigslist Killer’s fiancé has finally called off the wedding. Similar to the prostitute her beau murdered, she got cold feet. ____________________________________ A Rod may have used steroids as far back as high school. Thus, putting into question his entire career and the size of his testicles. ____________________________________ Justice David Souter is stepping down from the Supreme Court. In an attempt to fill the seat with a like-minded individual, President Obama has appointed Ayman al-Zawahiri. _____________________________________ On a personal note. I tried to talk dirty during sex a few nights ago but I just ended up being self critical. "Who's your daddy? Who's my daddy? Oh yeah, he hates me". _____________________________________ An Israeli health official says that Swine Flu is offensive to Muslims and Jews because it references pigs. Instead, he suggests the less offensive term... Mexican Flu. ______________________________________ Tyra Banks wants a Manhattan Judge to lock up her alleged stalker. Which is sad for Tyra because he's the only person watching her show. ____________________________________ Paris Hilton has coined the new phrase, ‘That’s Huge’. Apparently, the celebitchy thought of the term after seeing... Artie Lange. _____________________________________ A recent report found many people are ‘addicted’ to facebook. A major side affect is a loss of friends. _____________________________________ An Ohio man received a letter that had traveled for 47 years past its postmark. The postal worker who delivered the letter was exhausted. ______________________________________ Sarah Palin admitted to considering abortion after learning her child suffered from Down syndrome. Her change of heart occurred once she realized every child has the right to help her politically. _____________________________________ Princess Louise’s 130 year old wedding cake was sold at auction today. In a related story Kirsty Alley checked herself into a hospital after eating a 130 year old wedding cake. _____________________________________ American Apparel is being sued by Woody Allen after they used his image on a billboard. Evidently they were attempting to re-brand the clothing company as more ‘family friendly’. ___________________________________ Protesters against big government participated in a ‘Boston Tea Party’ today. The protest ended when Miss Deerworth failed to bring her special banana nut loaf. ____________________________________ The first family has adopted a Portuguese water dog. unbeknownst to them, however, the new First Dog is actually ‘Tiago Bond’, Portugal’s most dangerous espionage agent sent to orchestrate operation Grugno. ____________________________________ A recent article declared that 20% of billionaires never graduated college. Thus, forcing 100% of households with college age kids to have the ‘you are no Bill Gates’ discussion. ____________________________________ Autism advocates have said medical advancement has been slow but others argue it is just really focused. ____________________________________ President Obama and Russian President Dmitry Medvedev announced a renewed effort to cut back stockpiles of nuclear warheads. They will do that by launching them. ____________________________________ Bill O’Reilly will no longer watch films starring Oscar winner Sean Penn. Apparently, he was upset when the film Milk was not about actual milk.

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